When you sad
You have a choice to cry it out
Speak it out
Or write it out
And I choose the last one
Because big girl wont cry
Big girl writes
It’s bring me back to 2015 when I am sure enough to done my duty
But trials and trials and trialssss
Everything gone crazy
It makes me wondering which part I did wrong
Not trying to self-pity or whatsoever you call it
re-read the first paragraph 😉
Since my internship
Oh well it’s a long story to tell to
2014, that was the time when my gen have to choose the peer group
(here in chemistry after the fifth semester we gotta choose one of the 5 peer groups; organic, analytic, biochem, etc. so our research would be focus on the peer group we choose)
I steal the start line
I got my internship adviser (soon will be my thesis adviser) when everybody else still nervous whether the lecturer they choose would like to be their adviser or not
and I start preparing my internship in laboratory; like sample, reading journals, find the method, and so on.
Then at the beginning of 2015
I ask my adviser’s permission to do my exchange program to Romania for 2 months
aaand kind of “pause” my internship. Well, he let me go.
When I was in Romania, all of a sudden my friend told me
that there’s no my name in any peer group.
She said my registration form was lost in the administration staff
Pfff how come?!
It was like the dark sky fell on my head
Who’s to blame?
Idk what to do
No way to fix it since I cannot go back till I finish my project.
When I came back
I ask my adviser about that problem
He said; “yea that’s fine, you can start again next year with your junior”
I-am a-bout to ex-plode.
The dozens journals I read
The sample preparation I did
The time I spent to…argh!
It’s all useless!
I can fix myself
I can find my way.
For me to give up and just let the fate controls me,
Is a big no!
I move to another peer group
With the new adviser
Month after month
With some topics I submit
I prepare then I fail
Submit new topic
Again and again
Until 5 or more I even forgot
How many drafts I’ve submit
Until he approved one topic that I choose
One blazing day
I walk from my place to university to consul the method I finally found
“oh sorry I forgot to tell you. There’s a company that already do you research topic”
Oh my Father in the Heaven…. what else?
I hold my anger
Because, it’s the only choice.
Soon after I arrived at my place
all my friends wondering why did I came home so fast
Left with no words, I lock the door *facepalm*
I called my mom
and answering her hello with groans, I cried so loud
I think that was my loudest cry after I grew up.
I don’t even want to see my face in the mirror
I was so ugly, I can’t control my trembling lips that bend down. exactly like ;(
I took time to self reflect
btw I have my “wall of dream” stick beside my bed
Wacthing it make me cry longer
But Deborah is not Deborah if she stop trying
I ask my adviser to do the internship in the company rather than in the laboratory
And he approved my will. Little yeay.
Still a long story
I only have a short time to find a company
Went to 7 companies, and no one aprroved
I apply by myself and the requirement always ask for a team in internship
But my God is above everything
There’s a kind of great company that accept me
They place me at their factory
But that’s okay
For the sake of the score in my transcript
and I learn a lot though
Was another “fun” story
Yea I know everyone has a struggle in this “beautiful thing”
In my case, I brainstorming about the fee
12 million rupiah for my research
Why don’t you take my kidney?
maybe it will be enough to pay the bill.
But again my God always have His way to cheer me up
To bring me out of the darkness
And it haven’t finish yet
Another boom attack me
I know it’s the risk I choose to take
I did exchange 2 times, and to prepare it I need to skip the class many times
That’s why I fail 4 classes
I didn’t regret for every experience I choose
tbh I just want everything goes on balance
But I realize I am not that great to keep everything balance
If you ask me on 2015, how do you see yourself in 5 years?
Oh you will get your ears burn by hearing my story
But if you ask me now?
I will just throw you a smile
I know above all
God stays the same
Yesterday, now, and tomorrow
I know He will fix everything up, just like before
I believe that He have something great up ahead that He already prepared for me
But I’m just me
My human blood is afraid
to walk in this dark tunnel
I do believe “there’s always the light at the end at the tunnel”
But I’m just me.
Not my way God, but Yours.
When I read 2 Kings 5 : 1-15
I see myself like Naaman
When he got leprosy
His wife’s servant told him to go to prophet Elisha
not as he expected, Elisha ask him to wash his body seven times in the Jordan river so that he will be restored and cleansed-
-rather than just touch him and he will be healed.
Namaan was dissapointed and do not doing what the prophet ask him to do,
but his wife’s servant ask him again to do so.
Then he tried and he was healed after he washed himself seven times in the Jordan.
So just like me
I want everything going just like what I expected
but God want me to follow His way
eventhough it’s not easy
but I believe everything will be okay at the end
though I don’t know when is the end
There’s no other option, just keep walking
Till the finish line
Ruang Instrumentasi Kimia