Naaman

When you sad

You have a choice to cry it out

Speak it out

Or write it out

And I choose the last one

Because big girl wont cry

Big girl writes

 

 

It’s bring me back to 2015 when I am sure enough to done my duty

But trials and trials and trialssss

Everything gone crazy

It makes me wondering which part I did wrong

 

Not trying to self-pity or whatsoever you call it

But just,

re-read the first paragraph 😉

 

 

Since my internship

Oh well it’s a long story to tell to

2014, that was the time when my gen have to choose the peer group

(here in chemistry after the fifth semester we gotta choose one of the 5 peer groups; organic, analytic, biochem, etc. so our research would be focus on the peer group we choose)

I steal the start line

I got my internship adviser (soon will be my thesis adviser) when everybody else still nervous whether the lecturer they choose would like to be their adviser or not

and I start preparing my internship in laboratory; like sample, reading journals, find the method, and so on.

Then at the beginning of 2015

I ask my adviser’s permission to do my exchange program to Romania for 2 months

aaand kind of “pause” my internship. Well, he let me go.

When I was in Romania, all of a sudden my friend told me

that there’s no my name in any peer group.

She said my registration form was lost in the administration staff

Pfff how come?!

It was like the dark sky fell on my head

Who’s to blame?

 

Idk what to do

No way to fix it since I cannot go back till I finish my project.

*sigh*

When I came back

I ask my adviser about that problem

He said; “yea that’s fine, you can start again next year with your junior”

I-am a-bout to ex-plode.

The dozens journals I read

The sample preparation I did

The time I spent to…argh!

It’s all useless!

But fine.

I can fix myself

I can find my way.

For me to give up and just let the fate controls me,

Is a big no!

 

I move to another peer group

With the new adviser

Month after month

With some topics I submit

I prepare then I fail

Submit new topic

Fails, again.

Again and again

Until 5 or more I even forgot

How many drafts I’ve submit

Until he approved one topic that I choose

One blazing day

I walk from my place to university to consul the method I finally found

But

“oh sorry I forgot to tell you. There’s a company that already do you research topic”

Oh my Father in the Heaven…. what else?

I hold my anger

Because, it’s the only choice.

Soon after I arrived at my place

all my friends wondering why did I came home so fast

Left with no words, I lock the door *facepalm*

I called my mom

and answering her hello with groans, I cried so loud

I think that was my loudest cry after I grew up.

I don’t even want to see my face in the mirror

I was so ugly, I can’t control my trembling lips that bend down. exactly like ;(

I took time to self reflect

btw I have my “wall of dream” stick beside my bed

Wacthing it make me cry longer

But Deborah is not Deborah if she stop trying

I ask my adviser to do the internship in the company rather than in the laboratory

And he approved my will. Little yeay.

 

Still a long story

I only have a short time to find a company

Went to 7 companies, and no one aprroved

Of course

I apply by myself and the requirement always ask for a team in internship

But my God is above everything

There’s a kind of great company that accept me

They place me at their factory

But that’s okay

For the sake of the score in my transcript

and I learn a lot though

..

 

Finish?

Oh no

Thesis?

Was another “fun” story

Yea I know everyone has a struggle in this “beautiful thing”

In my case, I brainstorming about the fee

12 million rupiah for my research

BAAAAAM!

Why don’t you take my kidney?

maybe it will be enough to pay the bill.

But again my God always have His way to cheer me up

To bring me out of the darkness

 

And it haven’t finish yet

Another boom attack me

I know it’s the risk I choose to take

I did exchange 2 times, and to prepare it I need to skip the class many times

That’s why I fail 4 classes

I didn’t regret for every experience I choose

tbh I just want everything goes on balance

But I realize I am not that great to keep everything balance

 

If you ask me on 2015, how do you see yourself in 5 years?

Oh you will get your ears burn by hearing my story

But if you ask me now?

I will just throw you a smile

 

Bitter.

 

I know above all

God stays the same

Yesterday, now, and tomorrow

I know He will fix everything up, just like before

I believe that He have something great up ahead that He already prepared for me

But I’m just me

My human blood is afraid

to walk in this dark tunnel

I do believe “there’s always the light at the end at the tunnel”

But I’m just me.

 

Not my way God, but Yours.

 

 

When I read 2 Kings 5 : 1-15

I see myself like Naaman

When he got leprosy

His wife’s servant told him to go to prophet Elisha

not as he expected, Elisha ask him to wash his body seven times in the Jordan river so that he will be restored and cleansed-

-rather than just touch him and he will be healed.

Namaan was dissapointed and do not doing what the prophet ask him to do,

but his wife’s servant ask him again to do so.

Then he tried and he was healed after he washed himself seven times in the Jordan.

 

So just like me

I want everything going just like what I expected

but God want me to follow His way

eventhough it’s not easy

but I believe everything will be okay at the end

though I don’t know when is the end

but ya..

There’s no other option, just keep walking

Till the finish line

 

 

 

With tears,

Ruang Instrumentasi Kimia

Universitas Lampung.

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