funny upset girl

I can remember it quite clearly; I was beside the dining table in my house then a woman, that I believe she’s one of my relatives, said “now that your baby sister is born, your parents doesn’t love you anymore”. It makes the little Debby upset and cried, which seems funny for her and everyone around. Of course, angry little kid never scare us. At that time I took it personally, because the fact that I no longer co-sleeping with my parents made me feel left out and it reassure what that woman said. The spotlight that had shone on me for 5 years slowly dimmed and gradually went out.

It is not a big deal for grown ups like you and me, right now. But for a 5 year old girl who have been treated like a princess, it was like seeing her castle collapse. Little did I know, a wound in that tiny heart still I carry for the next 20 years. Things that seemed insignificant turned out to have a big impact in my life.

Striving to be the best and perfect so that even if someone steal my spotlight, I will steal it back. Whether in school, competition, in relationships, or socially, just…everywhere! I tried to be perfect anywhere. It’s sad to realize that my perfectionism comes from the old wound that haven’t healed yet. I thought if I didn’t perform my best, people won’t see me. Beyond my conscious mind, I said to myself: “if you want to be loved, be the best”.

Even worse, without realizing it I put the same mindset on God. When people “perform” better than me, I thought God will love them more and love me less. When I grew in my faith, I thought God will stop treating me as His little daughter and pushing me to be a mature Christian. I know those thoughts that produces jealousy are absolutely wrong. Yes, He want me to be a mature Christian. But He do it in a loving way.

It took me a long time to connect the dots. There’s no pleasure in confronting your wound that came from the ancient times. Even I was ashamed when I am thinking to write this post (FYI this post lodged in my draft for 4 months lol) because I am afraid if people think that it is just an insignificant jokes to make fun of a little girl. I am afraid if people will judge me. But here it is, do as you please.

It is what it is. Not gonna preach nor give any mental advice. I’ll just leave it here this way.

Another room being lighted. Still in my self-discovery journey, looking for light switch in other rooms till I can see everything clearly.